With thanks to Erendis, who first rendered me conscious of this. And it was finally true today!
when faces called flowers float out of the ground
and breathing is wishing and wishing is having-
but keeping is downward and doubting and never
-it's april(yes,april;my darling)it's spring!
yes the pretty birds frolic as spry as can fly
yes the little fish gambol as glad as can be
(yes the mountains are dancing together)
when every leaf opens without any sound
and wishing is having and having is giving-
but keeping is doting and nothing and nonsense
-alive;we're alive,dear:it's(kiss me now)spring!
now the pretty birds hover so she and so he
now the little fish quiver so you and so i
(now the mountains are dancing, the mountains)
when more than was lost has been found has been found
and having is giving and giving is living-
but keeping is darkness and winter and cringing
-it's spring(all our night becomes day)o,it's spring!
all the pretty birds dive to the heart of the sky
all the little fish climb through the mind of the sea
(all the mountains are dancing;are dancing)
~ee cummings
Friday, April 25, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
quote of the yesterday
Italian teacher: "teoricamente, in teoria...in Italia, tutto in teoria."
if you want the translation, it's down there...
"Theoretically, in theory...in Italy, everything's 'in theory.'"
if you want the translation, it's down there...
"Theoretically, in theory...in Italy, everything's 'in theory.'"
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Moriar, ne moriar
I don’t want to be writing this post. I’m tired, my feet hurt, it’s raining and cold, my internet connection isn’t working, there is not sufficient chocolate available in the house (somebody must have eaten it), and I just don’t feel like it [edit from 4-15-08: and now my bike has a tire that is as a flat pancake and refuses to be otherwise]. But (if you don’t want to read the rest) that’s kind of the point.
I wanted to write this earlier in the day, when I wanted to write it. When I could feel it in every bone of my body and I was almost crying with the reality of it—doubly-so because I couldn’t write it down at the moment. Now I don’t want to. I tried to avoid telling God that, because I don’t feel like talking to him, but I reasoned to myself that it would be dishonest, writing something like this when I don’t feel it, or it might be trying to impress everyone with my good Christianity, and that wouldn’t be right, would it?
So in the course of avoiding writing this, and looking for the 20th time for the piece of paper that might have the information that might help me understand what’s wrong with my internet connection, I came across a card in a handwriting that is like mine, only much younger. It belongs to someone who was me once, years ago, and says this:
Psalm 93
The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty;
The LORD is robed in majesty, and is armed with strength.
The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.
Your throne was established long ago;
You are from all eternity.
The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice;
The seas have lifted up their pounding waves.
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
Mightier than the breakers of the sea—
The LORD on high is mighty.
Your statutes stand firm; holiness adorns your house for endless days,
O LORD.
oh.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled post. And hopefully it actually means a little bit of something now.
The utmost reality for the believer is the existence of God. That’s it. That’s what it all boils down to— God is…good, loving, many things. But most of all, God is.
We must needs worship the highest when we see it (what is that from, anyway?). And when we recognize God’s is-ness, as God, it is also recognition of his highest-ness. And requires our worship. Think of His name by which He calls Himself. Before Abraham was…
This state of worship is the place where we are most fulfilled, because it is where we are most fully fulfilling what we were made to do. Even thinking of what He has done for us—redeeming us from our own sins—is supposed to point to something higher; the why of redemption: so that we might declare His glory, His greatness, His godness. (Yes, I feel like coining words today. I can, too, because you can tell what I mean, right? Which means we were communicating. Which means that it served its purpose as a word. But I digress.) If you doubt this, await upcoming post in which I will confound the point further, or read John Piper or C.S. Lewis—or maybe, Paul! And the Psalms! But you don’t doubt, do you, that God is the why and wherefore of history? The reason by which we exist, and the reason for which we exist? (Hm, this is sounding familiar…)
Jesus said, “Abide in me.” What is that but basking in the presence of God, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord, in whose presence is fullness of joy? And we have seen His glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.
Continuing, He said, “I have told you these things that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” What does it mean? 1. He delights in us; 2. He plants his joy in our hearts; or, 3. our joy is in him?
“ ‘All three at once!’ said Bilbo.” When we gaze on God’s goodness, acknowledging His godness, we are filled with a joy inexpressible and full of glory, a peace that passes understanding, a hope that does not disappoint. Of course, as soon as we try to lay our fingers on these things, they disappear—they are the things, as C.S. Lewis put it, that you cannot find by looking for them. Because they are the result of God’s joy in Himself being reflected in our hearts (and if this sounds selfish of God to you, I refer you to earlier reading suggestions). They are the little weak echo that our hearts respond with when they hear the glory of God being played as the theme of history. They are a preview of heaven.
I had one, yesterday. We had a baptism at church, and when the baptized emerged from the water, we all let forth song, Son salvato per grazia/ Ed a Lui do la Gloria/ Son salvato per grazia/ Da Cristo Gesu… I am saved by grace/ and I give the glory to Him/ I am saved by grace/ through Christ Jesus…it was a moment when one said to oneself, yes. It will be beautiful beyond imagining.
But, to borrow from Lewis again, we must be careful not to confuse our feelings about the thing with the thing itself. Perhaps this is why they disappear when we look for them. And this is why (Hannah) we must not base our behaviors on the feelings—they aren’t The One Thing Needful, The Pearl of Great Price.
And here is where the surprise comes in: not only do we get to experience this joy, but this is when it can be seen by others, too, as we all with unveiled faces behold the glory of the Lord and are changed ourselves from glory unto glory, becoming the aroma of Christ as we shine like stars in the universe.
So we can confidently say,
Though He slay me, yet shall I hope in Him.
We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him…present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments of righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
Let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.
Lord, consume my self in you, that you may be all in all.
I wanted to write this earlier in the day, when I wanted to write it. When I could feel it in every bone of my body and I was almost crying with the reality of it—doubly-so because I couldn’t write it down at the moment. Now I don’t want to. I tried to avoid telling God that, because I don’t feel like talking to him, but I reasoned to myself that it would be dishonest, writing something like this when I don’t feel it, or it might be trying to impress everyone with my good Christianity, and that wouldn’t be right, would it?
So in the course of avoiding writing this, and looking for the 20th time for the piece of paper that might have the information that might help me understand what’s wrong with my internet connection, I came across a card in a handwriting that is like mine, only much younger. It belongs to someone who was me once, years ago, and says this:
Psalm 93
The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty;
The LORD is robed in majesty, and is armed with strength.
The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.
Your throne was established long ago;
You are from all eternity.
The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice;
The seas have lifted up their pounding waves.
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
Mightier than the breakers of the sea—
The LORD on high is mighty.
Your statutes stand firm; holiness adorns your house for endless days,
O LORD.
oh.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled post. And hopefully it actually means a little bit of something now.
The utmost reality for the believer is the existence of God. That’s it. That’s what it all boils down to— God is…good, loving, many things. But most of all, God is.
We must needs worship the highest when we see it (what is that from, anyway?). And when we recognize God’s is-ness, as God, it is also recognition of his highest-ness. And requires our worship. Think of His name by which He calls Himself. Before Abraham was…
This state of worship is the place where we are most fulfilled, because it is where we are most fully fulfilling what we were made to do. Even thinking of what He has done for us—redeeming us from our own sins—is supposed to point to something higher; the why of redemption: so that we might declare His glory, His greatness, His godness. (Yes, I feel like coining words today. I can, too, because you can tell what I mean, right? Which means we were communicating. Which means that it served its purpose as a word. But I digress.) If you doubt this, await upcoming post in which I will confound the point further, or read John Piper or C.S. Lewis—or maybe, Paul! And the Psalms! But you don’t doubt, do you, that God is the why and wherefore of history? The reason by which we exist, and the reason for which we exist? (Hm, this is sounding familiar…)
Jesus said, “Abide in me.” What is that but basking in the presence of God, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord, in whose presence is fullness of joy? And we have seen His glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.
Continuing, He said, “I have told you these things that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” What does it mean? 1. He delights in us; 2. He plants his joy in our hearts; or, 3. our joy is in him?
“ ‘All three at once!’ said Bilbo.” When we gaze on God’s goodness, acknowledging His godness, we are filled with a joy inexpressible and full of glory, a peace that passes understanding, a hope that does not disappoint. Of course, as soon as we try to lay our fingers on these things, they disappear—they are the things, as C.S. Lewis put it, that you cannot find by looking for them. Because they are the result of God’s joy in Himself being reflected in our hearts (and if this sounds selfish of God to you, I refer you to earlier reading suggestions). They are the little weak echo that our hearts respond with when they hear the glory of God being played as the theme of history. They are a preview of heaven.
I had one, yesterday. We had a baptism at church, and when the baptized emerged from the water, we all let forth song, Son salvato per grazia/ Ed a Lui do la Gloria/ Son salvato per grazia/ Da Cristo Gesu… I am saved by grace/ and I give the glory to Him/ I am saved by grace/ through Christ Jesus…it was a moment when one said to oneself, yes. It will be beautiful beyond imagining.
But, to borrow from Lewis again, we must be careful not to confuse our feelings about the thing with the thing itself. Perhaps this is why they disappear when we look for them. And this is why (Hannah) we must not base our behaviors on the feelings—they aren’t The One Thing Needful, The Pearl of Great Price.
And here is where the surprise comes in: not only do we get to experience this joy, but this is when it can be seen by others, too, as we all with unveiled faces behold the glory of the Lord and are changed ourselves from glory unto glory, becoming the aroma of Christ as we shine like stars in the universe.
So we can confidently say,
Though He slay me, yet shall I hope in Him.
We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him…present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments of righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
Let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.
Lord, consume my self in you, that you may be all in all.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Y I h8 SMS
SMS being text messaging in a more compact name, since our already highly-efficient language obviously needs compactness. But I digress.
There may be people in the world who can wittily and accurately say what they mean in 60 characters or less, and there may well be people to whom it is not a matter of note whether or not they accurately and wittily say what they intend. I, unhappily and happily, respectively, am not one of them. IM is bad enough for misinterpretations, because it requires less thought even than an email, and has less personality than a person's voice, or even handwriting. But whoever created SMS did a thing far, far worse than anyone else had ever done.
I love words. I love the way they taste when I say them, and I love the way they flow together under my fingers, creating sentences with sense that can even occasionally be a pleasure to behold. But most of all, I love the way they do what they were intended to do- communicate.
I love turning to my palette and choosing the appropriate word to placate my palate (Might someone suggest a better word for "turning" or "choosing" in that sentence?). But alas, they do not exist!
What doesn't exist? My mind! I mean, the words in my mind that I'm trying to say...
ahem. Excuse the Odyssey moment.
To conclude. It has been conclusively proven that SMS is less than human. And does not make sufficient allowances for writing majors. So I suppose I shall just keep taking twice as long to answer and being charged twice as much when the phone decides that my message is not one, but two.
There may be people in the world who can wittily and accurately say what they mean in 60 characters or less, and there may well be people to whom it is not a matter of note whether or not they accurately and wittily say what they intend. I, unhappily and happily, respectively, am not one of them. IM is bad enough for misinterpretations, because it requires less thought even than an email, and has less personality than a person's voice, or even handwriting. But whoever created SMS did a thing far, far worse than anyone else had ever done.
I love words. I love the way they taste when I say them, and I love the way they flow together under my fingers, creating sentences with sense that can even occasionally be a pleasure to behold. But most of all, I love the way they do what they were intended to do- communicate.
I love turning to my palette and choosing the appropriate word to placate my palate (Might someone suggest a better word for "turning" or "choosing" in that sentence?). But alas, they do not exist!
What doesn't exist? My mind! I mean, the words in my mind that I'm trying to say...
ahem. Excuse the Odyssey moment.
To conclude. It has been conclusively proven that SMS is less than human. And does not make sufficient allowances for writing majors. So I suppose I shall just keep taking twice as long to answer and being charged twice as much when the phone decides that my message is not one, but two.
Friday, April 11, 2008
primaverita
I don’t care what the calendar says, today was the first real day of spring. It rained.
But this rain was different from the frozen-cold-sky-is-falling-in sort of rain that io odio. This rain was sweet to the taste, bippety-boppety-booping me on the nose, and running away laughing. A rain of the heaven-is-falling-into-earth sort. The sun was still splendoring—the rain didn’t blot out even my vision of it; only added to its glory.
Rain like this makes me want to go dance and spin in circles and laugh for no reason, but I contented myself with riding my bike for an explore, seeing if I could get myself lost and then found. And it half worked-- I only had to ask directions once. I saw lilacs, and stopped and pulled down a branch, and it showered me with spring-smell.
Everything was so fresh in the park—even the people. At least I felt fresh. Like the man seeing the real sun after being stuck in the cave.
Yesterday was a day of continued struggling. Trying to kill the old self, trying to kill the self-centered attempts to kill the old self, trying to kill the self-obsessed tries at killing the self-centered attempts to kill the old self…ad infinitum. Saying to myself, when does this happen? When I am not reading my Bible and praying and memorizing Scripture and meditating on it…must read Bible. Must pray. Must memorize and meditate. AAAAAAHH! There I go again making lists for myself of things I can accomplish! Die, die, die!
“Lord, I don’t know how I’m going to keep this up the rest of my life,” I thought. “It’s only six o’clock on day…well, whatever, and I’m already exhausted from this struggle. I’m going to take a nap.”
So I went to lie down, brain reeling. And then it came. “Abide in Me.”
What? Can that really be all there is to it? Um, are you sure about that Lord?
But sure enough, there was more: “Be still (cease striving, or, maybe better yet, STOP!) and know that I am God.” Oh. “Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him, and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the dawn, your justice as the noonday.” Do not be anxious about anything—fret not! Trust in God. Trust also in me.
A-bide [uh-bayhd] (according to dictionary.com):
verb, used without object:
To remain; continue; stay.
To have one’s abode; dwell; reside.
To continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.
I know “abide” wasn’t the original word Jesus used. But I do love it. The Italian says dimorare, to reside, according to my dictionary. Can’t you just see Jesus? “Live here in my love. Settle down, set up housekeeping, stay here. And I will live in you. And no, you can’t bear fruit without me, but when I’m living in you, you will bear fruit that lasts, and my Father will be glorified. How do you abide? Simple. Obey my commandments. Love each other like I have loved you. Don’t worry about producing love out of yourself—I’ll remind you of my words, I’ll produce the fruit in you—you just stay here with me.”
Aaaaaaah. This is it. This is the peace that surpasses understanding, this is the complete, real joy. This is the perfect love that casts out fear. Not that we loved Him, but that He loved us.
But this rain was different from the frozen-cold-sky-is-falling-in sort of rain that io odio. This rain was sweet to the taste, bippety-boppety-booping me on the nose, and running away laughing. A rain of the heaven-is-falling-into-earth sort. The sun was still splendoring—the rain didn’t blot out even my vision of it; only added to its glory.
Rain like this makes me want to go dance and spin in circles and laugh for no reason, but I contented myself with riding my bike for an explore, seeing if I could get myself lost and then found. And it half worked-- I only had to ask directions once. I saw lilacs, and stopped and pulled down a branch, and it showered me with spring-smell.
Everything was so fresh in the park—even the people. At least I felt fresh. Like the man seeing the real sun after being stuck in the cave.
Yesterday was a day of continued struggling. Trying to kill the old self, trying to kill the self-centered attempts to kill the old self, trying to kill the self-obsessed tries at killing the self-centered attempts to kill the old self…ad infinitum. Saying to myself, when does this happen? When I am not reading my Bible and praying and memorizing Scripture and meditating on it…must read Bible. Must pray. Must memorize and meditate. AAAAAAHH! There I go again making lists for myself of things I can accomplish! Die, die, die!
“Lord, I don’t know how I’m going to keep this up the rest of my life,” I thought. “It’s only six o’clock on day…well, whatever, and I’m already exhausted from this struggle. I’m going to take a nap.”
So I went to lie down, brain reeling. And then it came. “Abide in Me.”
What? Can that really be all there is to it? Um, are you sure about that Lord?
But sure enough, there was more: “Be still (cease striving, or, maybe better yet, STOP!) and know that I am God.” Oh. “Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in Him, and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the dawn, your justice as the noonday.” Do not be anxious about anything—fret not! Trust in God. Trust also in me.
A-bide [uh-bayhd] (according to dictionary.com):
verb, used without object:
To remain; continue; stay.
To have one’s abode; dwell; reside.
To continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.
I know “abide” wasn’t the original word Jesus used. But I do love it. The Italian says dimorare, to reside, according to my dictionary. Can’t you just see Jesus? “Live here in my love. Settle down, set up housekeeping, stay here. And I will live in you. And no, you can’t bear fruit without me, but when I’m living in you, you will bear fruit that lasts, and my Father will be glorified. How do you abide? Simple. Obey my commandments. Love each other like I have loved you. Don’t worry about producing love out of yourself—I’ll remind you of my words, I’ll produce the fruit in you—you just stay here with me.”
Aaaaaaah. This is it. This is the peace that surpasses understanding, this is the complete, real joy. This is the perfect love that casts out fear. Not that we loved Him, but that He loved us.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
No condemnation
Been struggling lately, with seeing sin in my soul, its root in my pride, seeing my own prideful sinful attempts to deal with my sin myself, my own sense of overwhelming guilt, my own attempts to kill my Self so Christ may live in me (no, alert things, I am not talking about suicide, but about "dying" to my own will and wishes.). All of which are wrong. But I see in myself a daily struggle-- wanting to say, no, it's okay, Lord, I have everything under control--oh, maybe not. And I am so thankful that God loves me enough to show me my weakness, to help me, to forgive me--to live in me when I truly let Him and stop trying to do things myself. And then I think, my goodness, H, are these not basic things? This is nothing new and exciting. Surely you have grown past this by now!
It is hard to see the weakness. But I know, too, that the basic things of the Christian faith are not things I can grow past--they are things upon which God can build, in my life, but they must always be there, supporting the higher things, keeping me from pride in myself and my own faith.
This is nothing new, I know, for Christians through history. It is nothing new for myself, either. I am thankful for the written records I have of times in the past when God has reminded me of my weakness and sinfulness and His grace. But what hurts is that I have to learn these things over and over again--not that I have to learn them, but that I have to learn them because I have forgotten them. How does that happen? Slowly, one day at a time, thinking to myself I don't need to spend so much time with God, in His word, thinking of myself the whole time I do, being impressed by my own godliness. Oh God, save me from myself.
And He does, even now. Not only did He save me once and for all, but He continues to save me from myself.
And He will, once and for all, because He's promised that He will change me. That He will fulfill the good work He began in me. That I will grow up into the stature of Christ, and that I will bear the image of the man from heaven. That He will be all in all.
It is hard to see the weakness. But I know, too, that the basic things of the Christian faith are not things I can grow past--they are things upon which God can build, in my life, but they must always be there, supporting the higher things, keeping me from pride in myself and my own faith.
This is nothing new, I know, for Christians through history. It is nothing new for myself, either. I am thankful for the written records I have of times in the past when God has reminded me of my weakness and sinfulness and His grace. But what hurts is that I have to learn these things over and over again--not that I have to learn them, but that I have to learn them because I have forgotten them. How does that happen? Slowly, one day at a time, thinking to myself I don't need to spend so much time with God, in His word, thinking of myself the whole time I do, being impressed by my own godliness. Oh God, save me from myself.
And He does, even now. Not only did He save me once and for all, but He continues to save me from myself.
And He will, once and for all, because He's promised that He will change me. That He will fulfill the good work He began in me. That I will grow up into the stature of Christ, and that I will bear the image of the man from heaven. That He will be all in all.
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